Recognizing your Spouse’s [psychological]Attachment Brings You Freedom
March 26, 2013
"...The Rebel, one of the (12) control attachment types in our A-H-A Solution program. I began to describe The Rebel to her and she found that it fit his personality like a glove! He delights in thinking of himself as a rebel, too. He even brings up stories from high school of how he was a “bad boy.”
"So we started putting the pieces together of how his behaviors were related to his attachment to being controlled (yes, emotional rebels are attached to being controlled). Basically, he is doing things that require him to be managed, even though he thinks he is managing them himself. His poor choices like his inefficiency, refusal to delegate, stubborn behaviors, excuses, and overworking and not taking care of himself all require someone to manage or correct him.
"Then he refuses to be corrected. He feels judged and wants to be left alone to do it “his way.” This would be fine if it didn’t impact others. But, his behavior does impact others. It impacts [his wife]. In response to the way he behaves, [his wife] walks on eggshells and tries not to correct him, since he works such long hours and is so stressed out. [his wife] knows he could work less and be happier if he were more efficient and less stubborn. But, because she loves him, she tries to let him do everything “his way” so he can feel good about himself...
"...When we can see someone’s attachments, we can see the person clearly. We now have a choice of how to respond. The benefits of seeing someone’s attachment is that we have compassion, don’t take their reactions personally, and we can make the choice not to feed the attachment.
"We can have compassion towards them because we can now see their hurt. When we understand how the attachment was formed, we gain a new view of the person – that they are reacting as a hurt child. This leads to the next benefit, not taking their actions personally.
[his wife] now doesn’t have to react by feeling hurt when he won’t take her help...
"So we started putting the pieces together of how his behaviors were related to his attachment to being controlled (yes, emotional rebels are attached to being controlled). Basically, he is doing things that require him to be managed, even though he thinks he is managing them himself. His poor choices like his inefficiency, refusal to delegate, stubborn behaviors, excuses, and overworking and not taking care of himself all require someone to manage or correct him.
"Then he refuses to be corrected. He feels judged and wants to be left alone to do it “his way.” This would be fine if it didn’t impact others. But, his behavior does impact others. It impacts [his wife]. In response to the way he behaves, [his wife] walks on eggshells and tries not to correct him, since he works such long hours and is so stressed out. [his wife] knows he could work less and be happier if he were more efficient and less stubborn. But, because she loves him, she tries to let him do everything “his way” so he can feel good about himself...
"...When we can see someone’s attachments, we can see the person clearly. We now have a choice of how to respond. The benefits of seeing someone’s attachment is that we have compassion, don’t take their reactions personally, and we can make the choice not to feed the attachment.
"We can have compassion towards them because we can now see their hurt. When we understand how the attachment was formed, we gain a new view of the person – that they are reacting as a hurt child. This leads to the next benefit, not taking their actions personally.
[his wife] now doesn’t have to react by feeling hurt when he won’t take her help...
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